I haven't done enough

 So, 

a few weeks ago, I was feeling off. I had incredible pain in the middle of the night one week and I decided to go to the doctor. (I’m lying, my mom forced me) so I went and I described everything that I was feeling and one of the things she mentioned was maybe its cancer, but we needed to be sure. 

I took some tests and she ruled out cancer. But something else came up. ( I have to go back for tests, haven’t ruled it out yet so I don’t wanna speak it out into the air.) 

At first, I was like cool. This is fine. It happens. Let’s focus on moving forward and take it one day at a time. 

But I think I felt some type of way about it (well I acknowledge it now, so I know for a fact that I felt something about it), and I’m suppressing it. And I’m good at that actually. When I told my mom about the doctor suspecting cancer, she freaked out enough for the both of us honestly😂, and it was totally unnecessary, and I felt terrible for making her worry with everything that’s already happened this year.

So I didn’t tell her that I have to go back for anything else.

I know how I feel but there are no words to describe it and usually, when I can put my feelings into words then I know how to work through it. If that makes sense. 

So I’m kinda in a limbo of sorts. Waking up every day since last month, feeling my feelings full time and sharing memes part-time.

I’m scrolling through pages and websites but I don’t know what I’m looking for.

The last few weeks, I’ve been all over the place emotionally. Also, this heat doesn’t help AT ALL. I have so much to do but I can’t even bring myself to do anything productive, which is just adding to how low I feel already.

I’m not saying this video is inspiring or anything, but he’s right (as usual.) [watch from 3:18]

It takes moments like these to shift your perspective and make you realize that maybe all those things you are chasing isn’t really what’s important.

I’m writing this to myself mostly because I’ve been avoiding this talk with myself. My heart is heavy. I’m not scared of dying, I’m scared of not finishing what I started. 

In so many ways I still feel a little lost, I don’t even know what I started or if I’ve started anything and if that’s the case, then what would I be leaving unfinished🤷🏾‍♀️

The reality remains that everybody dies, but not everyone lives. And I am scared that I haven't done enough of that.

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