He was my closet friend ,childhood buddy ,been with me
through thick and thin and I know him
better than most people .even when most people called him a playboy ,I knew
Alex was the best lover I had seen.
Alex said he can’t give commitments and I said it was okay with it ,I thought
somehow physical intimacy will bring him emotionally close to me ,but I never
knew it'd bring awkwardness bring disappointments
because it had these unrealistic expectations at the core of my heart .I
thought it could change Alex. Alex said I expected he'd come to love me and
when the moment came Alex realized how
deep my emotions were ,he immediately regretted it and backed off! Alex told me I should date other guys that
I'm going to get hurt with all this and I did but Alex was still the one I
wanted.
Around his birthday I sent a message to wish him happy
birthday and he started a conversation in which he mentioned he started to
"sort of" see someone that he didn't want me to be upset! I told him about a guy I met and he got
jealous and said “good I'd hate to have to start killing” well that got me
shocked because it was unlike Alex.
A week later in another chat I asked
how things were and he said "Okay but I still want you but again he said I
was living in an illusion, I’m going to break your heart, you sure you want to
do this? I agreed citing that I wish to live in the present .brought forth the
pain and hurt to myself and probably jeopardize the friendship too. We met 2
weeks or so later, Alex came to my house and we made love.
We've met a few times more, sometimes just a couple of
blocks from his girlfriend’s house, and I get a hug or a peck on the cheek .he
invited me to his place and introduced me to his parent's as a friend (I was in
the shock of my life) and he has been to my place and we slept together several
times but he's still seeing his girlfriend, who doesn't even know I exist.
I know its cliché but I'm in love with him , I’m obsessed by
him .I go to sleep thinking about him ,wake up thinking about him; I can't get
him out of my thoughts .I'd drop everything if he asks me to and
I would do anything for him .I'm so desperate for him. I even considered getting pregnant just so
if it wasn't with him ,id had a part of him to hold onto.
Alex said if know this doesn't make any sense and it’s totally
wrong but if want him, if need him if miss him and if want more"
But it’s like matter how hard I try I’m never getting out of
this friend zone...
By Anonymous
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