I have always struggled with the feeling of being Wanted...
It didn't really do they want me around but more of why would anyone want me around?
You grow up and little by little words stick on you and you begin to internalize them so much
“Too stubborn.” “Mischievous” “useless” “bad child” “stupid” “destroyer” “why can’t you be like X Y Z?”
Hearing these on a regular basis and you’ll begin to believe them. You might even add a few of your own.
You begin to wonder why anyone would keep you around if you are so “bad”
If you are truly useless then what is the purpose of your existence?
If your presence causes so much hurt and pain, then why not just end it all and leave?
I have been suicidal since I was in Primary school, I know it cause I remember writing a very sad and pathetic letter.
I always think of ways to make it happen and most of which involve pain (I don’t like pain)
I remember cutting myself for a short while. I remember crying myself to sleep some nights. I remember looking for ways for harm myself just to make that feeling go away. To make that voice quiet.
I wanted silence. Everything is too loud. so loud.
Sometimes you can ignore it, sometimes you can’t.
You get good at pretending because practice makes perfect in all things I guess.
There’s so much pain and chaos in the world you could dwell in that if you truly wanted to.
But I refused. I still refuse.
I choose to look for and believe in good.
God has a purpose for each of our lives and regardless of what we may be going through, we have to believe that we are no accident.
If not for that alone, I may not be here. I want to see what he will make of me. I want to see his purpose revealed. I want to be everything he has destined for me.
I may struggle, I may fall, I might face death again and again but I want to be here and he keeps me going because he isn’t done with me yet.
And that has been enough to carry me through each day...
0 Comments