Blue Flame

(Play: Stromae - Formidable (ceci n'est pas une leçon)

He put his hand on mine and instantly it reminded me of all the hands that touched me uninvited, unwanted and yet again this. Moments of intimacy stolen from my lips, stolen from my body. Cold desires that scarred me instead of caressing me.

I stared at him, nervously, his hand remained on mine. I think he saw the pain somewhere in my eyes, maybe he saw a blue flame. The memories flashed rapidly and I sat still, staring but not seeing, just living, all those moments at once.

The pain surged through me, from the edge of my toes, up to the tip of the hair on my head. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t.

He lifted his hand.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered, slowing looking down at his hands, “breathe please, breathe”

At his command I let go, my chest filled with warm air and I exhaled.

"why are you like this?", he spoke gently, not looking at me. I couldn't find words, as tears flowed from my eyes. I didn't fight.

I just sobbed uncontrollably.

I listened to the waves crash into the rocks below us, wave after wave. I wished it was me. I wished I was one of those waves to find comfort in the end, to crash onto a soft shore and be forgotten just like the many others before and those that will come after it.

I screamed. For all times I had screamed and not being heard. From all the times my mouth had been shut, for the times my mouth had been muffled, or my voice had been slurred, I screamed.

I felt the adrenalin rush through me and the ocean called to me in that moment. Before he could reach me as I screamed, I took off running.

I knew he was calling me, but all I wanted was the silence of the abyss.

So I kept running, even as I approached the cliff, I couldn't stop myself.